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Wednesday, August 23, 2017

So, what's going on with me?

You know the joke -- "enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think of me?" Anyway. . .

I knew that at some point I would write this post. I just wasn't together enough to actually write it, until now. So, what is going on with me? I am struggling terribly with depression these days. Not the blues, not just a bad day or string of bad days, but full-blown depression. It began to settle in about a year and a half ago. One of my daughters made a comment about my lack of joy, no smiles, and no laughs last summer. I couldn't pull myself out of this and knew I couldn't continue to live in such emotional pain. I began seeing a therapist a year ago. She had me see my doctor and rule out several medical possibilities. I have addressed one medical situation and continue to do as instructed with that. But the depression has persisted. I can't make it go away, but I can work on uncovering the thought processes and behaviors that I continue with, that cause me to allow other people to treat me poorly. It's no coincidence that several people in my life treat me poorly. It is how they say -- we teach people how to treat us.

This past year I've felt utterly broken. And now I am beginning to put the pieces back together and forge a different path for myself. I feel better getting this out there, and letting you all know why I am not always engaged here. It's not you, it's me. So, yeah, the big D, depression. It's really nasty stuff. But oddly, I am grateful for it. As through addressing depression I have begun to find peace and acceptance of myself, instead of always scrambling after love and acceptance from others.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I am working hard to get it together. The week away that I had did wonders for my perspective. I continue to work on my issues, and work towards a future. I apologize if my disappearing a few times this past spring and summer caused any concern for you. I'll be okay. Hope all is well for you.


  1. Lili...we care about you very much! You feel like a dear friend to me...and caring is what we do when someone means lots to us!
    Be kind to yourself, patient with yourself....this isn't something you chose. But you are now "doing something" about it...getting some help to heal. It is like we need to be embarrassed by depression. If you get the flu or pneumonia you don't feel the need to apologize...but you didn't choose to have them.....well having depression is no different!
    Yes, I have missed you so....but knew it was time you needed. As I said, be kind to yourself. I think depression makes a person believe that you shouldn't do that...but you must! In the meantime, you will remain in my prayers.
    And...I am delighted any time I click on your blog and you have left something wonderful for me to read. Your blogs are so inspiring and educational. And your writing makes me feel like I am there and you are sharing and teaching. Thank you, thank you!

  2. Prayers for you. Know you are loved; you are very special...not just in human eyes but in the eyes of God. Hope the best for you.

  3. Having dealt with depression off and on for most of my adult life and also having finally figured out what most helps me just in the past couple of years, I so hate that you are having to deal with this. You are sincerely in my prayers. I'm glad you are able to see the good coming out of it, and hope you feel more yourself very soon. Hugs.

  4. (((((lili))))) Hugs for you. I also believe that we teach people how to treat us and sometimes you have to pull away from them, even if they are family. I will be keeping you in good thoughts and prayers as the road you are traveling is not always positive. I hope you find the peace that you need and deserve sooner rather than later. (((Lili)))

  5. Since I knew you were struggling with something, you have been in my thoughts and prayers frequently. I hope you are soon feeling peace and abundant joy! Your posts always brighten my day, but you continue to take time for you as needed. Take very good care of yourself! I will continue to pray for you.


  6. We have been dealing with mild depression and bad anxiety with my ds. He was seeing a therapist this summer and had to see a psychiatrist for meds to help him cope. He just went back to school and the meds seem to help a lot. Hopefully your therapist will be able to help you. Cheryl

  7. Bravo Lili.

    Acknowledging depression is such an important part of dealing with it. I applaud your courage in opening up to your readers (those who choose to leave and message and the many more who do not.) My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  8. Dear Lili, thank you for being so open about your depression. It took a lot of courage. Depression is not a weakness or passing state of mind. It is a brain disorder that can be made worse by our life circumstances. You are on the right path now, but it is a real battle. Your faith will sustain you! God is with you!

  9. I'm happy that you are getting well enough to share with us here. Clinical depression is a difficult thing that others don't understand unless they have experienced it themselves. My son describes it as being pulled into a black hole and no matter how hard you try, you just can't get out. Luckily, he is better these days. And you will be, too.

    Positive thoughts and prayers are coming your way as you continue to move forward.

  10. We have missed you! I'm glad you're taking care of you and I will keep you in my prayers. I've had to release some toxic people from my life and understand how awful it can be. Renee

  11. Since I also deal with depression, I know how difficult that post was to write. Through therapy and perhaps medication may you again find joy.

  12. Having family members who have struggled and continue to struggle with depression, I do understand your situation. You've been proactive and seeking help to address it. May things brighten for you soon. ((Lili))

  13. Oh Lili. I've had two different times in my life when I have struggled with depression. The first time I never sought help, and eventually I felt better but it took a loooong time. The second time was when I had mono (I was sick for 10 months, off work for much of it, and that was in my single, self-supporting days). I can relate to Live and Learn's "black hole" comment. Anyway ... the best thing I ever did was to get counseling and go on Prozac. I also was struggling with anxiety and one of the things my therapist recommended was the Anxiety Workbook (sorry, don't remember the full title)--I bet there is something similar out there for depression--anyway, WHAT a huge help it was to me to discover how my thought patterns were affecting my emotional health. I am proud of you for seeking help. And stop apologizing to us for not always being "on"! NONE of us are always at the top of our game. Hmm, my second visit to a counselor (3 years ago) ended up being about my ability to set boundaries with people ... seems to me it's hardest with family ...

    Sorry for such a long comment. I'm going to make it a bit longer now because ... I have good news ... I had a biopsy done last week and I just found out an hour ago that I have an infection, not cancer! Let's just say I had weird female symptoms ... anyway, whew!

  14. Keep taking good care of yourself, Lili. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers-

  15. Kris, I am sooo relieved for you. What a scary thing to go through! I hope now you can just let go of the anxiety over this cancer-scare and do something really joyous to celebrate.

    Friends, thank you, all of you for your kind words. I appreciate it. I am working hard at taking care of myself so I can get better and move forward. A black hole is a lot like how I feel. My memories for this past year feel like they are in a dark tunnel. I am so sorry for all of you who have gone through this or have a loved-one who has gone through depression. The process to wholeness seems to be a matter of taking one step in the right direction after another. I'll get there. Thank you for your phenomenal kindnesses. Sending hugs back to you all.

  16. Love and hugs and prayers. I too have dealt with depression. You would be amazed at how many are suffering from it. I knew something was wrong from reading between the lines if your blog but didn't know what. You are doing something about it and you are teaching others to respect you and to give to you instead if always taking..take all the time you need to recover from this disease. Learn to take care of yourself and the rest will follow. Prayers sent from SD.

  17. I am glad you are dealing with it. Self care is critical and sometimes caregivers neglect their own needs!

  18. Just know, Lili, you are so very special. I hope you continue to uncover the thoughts and behaviors that cause your depression, because I truly believe we need to reframe our past to learn new thoughts and behaviors.

    I am struggling everyday with depression too. Since retirement, it has gotten pretty bad. But I believe I have made progress with correctly framing my childhood memory into a cohesive picture rather than a series of incorrectly understood snapshots about what happened.

    In a way, going through the pain is necessary to learn a better way of living. Maybe as often said, no pain no gain. I do believe you will become stronger as you learn which thoughts and behaviors don't work.

    We are all in that boat of humanity together trying to survive the best we can. You are not alone in your struggle.

    Have a blessed day,


  19. I have suffered from depression after a couple of my miscarriages. It's not something you can just "snap out of."
    I have close family members who have dealt with depression most of their adult lives. Getting professional help is critical--just like any other illness, symptoms need to be treated (nutrition, prayer & just putting one foot in front of the other is also helpful.) It's a process, sometimes a long one, and sometimes things need to be tweaked after certain medications no longer work the way they once did. I'll continue to pray for you, Lili, as you navigate this.

    Here's a link to a blog post I wrote on depression a few years back:


  20. Thinking of you. Thoughts and prayers surround you as you determine the best course of action in the many areas you mentioned.

  21. Like you, and others here, I too have struggled with depression and anxiety with one major depressive episode. With counseling and medication I too was able to once again find joy and have been healthy for many years. It is difficult, but you have taken all the right steps. For me, mild physical activity was helpful too. Everyone here cares for you and we'll just be thrilled if/when you post, so no pressure about that. Hoping you find the peace, love and acceptance that we all deserve and that your days will brighten soon. Sending prayers and blessings.

  22. Lili, I am sorry to hear you were struggling. Please know that you were missed and I sometimes ask myself "what would Lili do". I am not good with words. And I have anxiety disorder and some days are harder than others.I hope you fell better soon and find joy. Sending love and prayers. Patricia

  23. Hi Lili,
    I can relate - having watched my DH struggle with depression and anxiety after being laid off 2 months ago from a job he was at for 32 years. He is finally starting to do better with the help of an excellent therapist and lots of prayer. We too, checked for all the medical possibilities and came away empty. They also tried meds but they made him worse.
    God bless you on your journey!
    Jo Ann

  24. Oh Lili, I'm so sorry that you're struggling, but so glad that you're getting help.

    I'm not sure if I've ever been clinically depressed, but I've struggled with anxiety throughout my life. I don't know if depression works the same way, but I've come to understand that when I'm feeling anxiety, there's actually some other emotion hidden underneath. It's like the anxiety, as much as I hate it, is easier for me to deal with than whatever emotion it's covering up. After many years of working on it, I'm getting better at letting myself "go there" and feeling the underneath stuff, but it's still a challenge.

    I totally agree with Kris - stop apologizing for not being here enough. You don't owe us anything, and all of us want a happy & healthy you much more than we want a blog post written out of guilt.

    Big Hugs...


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