Gifts, expectations, and what is right for our own circumstances

I've recently been in an uncomfortable situation where I was giving gifts to a few people, but feeling like my gifting abilities might be falling short of the recipients expectations. It wasn't that I felt they were expecting me, personally, to give a more extravagant gift, but that in general, they were accustomed to more extravagant gifts.

I engaged many around me in discussions of what would be appropriate, and just how much would be enough to satisfy expectations. This was an emotionally grueling decision for me. I think I spent more hours trying to decide what would be enough of a gift for this occasion, than I spent on last year's tax preparations.

This expectation to give more, comes up in a variety of settings. Our church will sometimes call out to the congregation to search within, to see if we can't increase our giving, temporarily. Or, a phone solicitor for a very worthwhile charity may phone and request a donation. Or, we're invited to a wedding where it does seem that a hefty gift to the bride and groom is in order. Or, what about when friends keep doing extravagant things for you, but you really don't want or can't reciprocate at the same financial level.

These touchy situations aren't going to go away. They will keep appearing, and I will have to continue making internal negotiations over how much is "enough".

This last time, though, I finally had to change how I thought about the value of the gifts I was giving. The change was from what is "enough", to what is "appropriate".

It is appropriate for me to stay within my budget. It is appropriate for me to be a cheerful giver. It is appropriate for me to choose a level of gift that falls in line with my other gift-giving.

In our own family, for the most part, we don't give extravagant gifts to our children or each other. And we don't feel guilty about that or feel we're displaying less love for one another.

In some families, large gifts between each other are the norm. And that doesn't mean they love each other more or less than a family who chooses to use their money differently.

It's easy to get carried away in the moment, and be more extravagant than appropriate. But if my values are to give my own children modest gifts, then doesn't it seem appropriate to give friends' children modest gifts, as well? Even if those same children were accustomed to receiving extravagant gifts from others?

It's really not even a matter of who is wealthier and who is not. It's all about personal values related to making gifts.

For me, it feels easier to give my children just exactly how much I feel is appropriate for any one occasion. So I use this as a barometer, when I am in doubt. Just how much would I feel is right with my own kids for this occasion? That thought, alone, will often help me set the scale for gifts.

In the end, on this particular occasion, I went with what my gut was telling me was an appropriate amount to spend, regardless of what friends or family might be accustomed to. Yes, it was far less than what I'd read was typical or could be expected. But it was in line with what I might give to my own children for a similar occasion.

I hope that my more extravagant friends will appreciate my friendship just for what it is, a person who will be there to help and support them through trials, and rejoice with them in their good fortune, and not measure my friendship by the money I spend on them or their families.

With charitable gifts, our family does place a high value on giving to mission-related purposes. But I also feel comfortable telling a phone solicitor that while I appreciate their charity, we may have already allocated our charitable giving for the year. I am happy to take their organization's name and number, in case something changes. And sometimes, I do end up giving to one of these organizations, later in the year. But sometimes, I don't, and I try not to feel like I have to save the entire world.

And with wedding season just around the corner, I'm already looking to our budget, anticipating a couple of weddings. Fortunately, most of our friends' kids won't have extravagant weddings. And I won't be in that awkward position of feeling like I have to "pay for my plate" at the reception with an equivalent value of gift. But if that did come up (and it could with one of my family member's kids), I would have to really give thought to whether I wanted to attend that wedding, or perhaps I could just send a gift, appropriate to my gift-giving values.

With regards to friends who keep doing extravagant things for us, well, we're in that murky area right now. Reciprocating, in fashion, would run counter to how we choose to spend our money. But we do appreciate their kindness and generosity. I think the most satisfactory answer, though, is to continue expressing our friendship in the ways that are most comfortable to us. True friends will value who we are and not how much we spend.

But it's still a difficult internal struggle for me.


How about you? Have you ever found yourself faced with expectations to spend more on a gift for someone else's child, than you would spend on your own? How did you handle this? How about those super generous friends who keep inviting you to expensive restaurant meals? Are you okay with reciprocating with a home-cooked meal?

February is a good month for me to . . .

(I have to say, is a great month for me to do, on this first one, as it really, really needs it)

. . . clean up and organize the pantry! The pantry is just a helter-skelter of staples, cans here and there, bags on the floor, odd bits in containers. It just all needs some organization, some pouring into containers, and some moving older items to the front. This is easily a full day's work. But February is one of the best months to do this, as the pantry is now beginning to look like we've finally been eating some of this up, without adding a whole lot to replenish and build stock.

While I'll certainly enjoy looking at a cleaned-up pantry, the real benefit is knowing what we have and making sure that I actually use it, every last bit of whatever that "it" may be. Cuz, ya know, using what you already have is one of the best ways to save money for the things you don't have, but need. Like new windows, or replacement carpeting (keeping fingers crossed that can happen in another year).

. . . host a Valentine's Day brunch. My son will most likely want to spend Valentine's evening, alone with his girlfriend, and not with the entire family in company. So, I thought we'd do a Valentine's Day brunch right after church. On the menu -- we have to do these heart-shaped pancakes with a syrup of red currant jelly, melted and thinned with a little water, plus mini crustless quiches, orange juice, fruit salad (orange segments, dried cranberries and toasted almond slivers), coffee, tea and cocoa.

This should be a fun way to celebrate this Hallmark-y holiday. we've done family Valentine's breakfasts, family Valentine's dinners, and now, we'll start a new tradition of a Valentine's day brunch. And once again, we'll be just using what we have on hand. There will be no special trips to the market for anything extra. But that doesn't mean the menu will be lacking in any way. Using only what we have, here, simply means that I need to think a bit on the menu, and find creative ways of making brunch special.

. . . get more seeds started indoors. I can start onions, kale and cabbage indoors right now, to plant out in March. The lettuce seedlings are doing really well, in the flat under a light. Fresh salads, I'm a waitin' for ya!

. . . start the clean-up in the garden. February is a great month for us to begin garden clean-up. There are fewer weeds, the weeds are smaller, mid-month is a good time to prune rose bushes, here, the fruit trees need a good pruning, and if we work fast enough, we can get a layer of mulch down around the base of plants to prevent future weed pop-ups. With all of the rain we will receive between now and late spring, this is also a good time of year to move plants. I have some strawberry plants, under the cherry tree, which I'll dig up, give some away, and replant elsewhere. The tree gives too much shade now, for the strawberries, but I think part of this area will be good for daffodils. Yes, I'll be massing out some daffodils from those I planted in pots, this month. This spot is in view from the kitchen and the deck, so it should be a pleasant outlook on a dreary March day.

As cold as it is outdoors still, the thought of beautiful flowers in bloom is pretty good motivation to get me outside. In those pots of bulbs, on the deck, I have pink hyacinth, blue grape hyacinth, yellow and white daffodils, multi-hued tulips and purple and white crocus, all coming up. I am really excited for spring this year. I've been making plans for putting together a bulb basket for the kitchen table, with several pink hyacinth, for Easter. And a vase or two of daffodils would be so fresh and spring-like, too!

. . . order a portable greenhouse for the deck, so I can move plants/seedlings outside earlier in the year. Is this a toy or a tool? I think a bit of both. Either way, it will be a help to our garden, and put fresh veggies on our table sooner than usual.

. . . organize the upstairs linen closet. That closet is in shambles and could use some straightening. It's a very small closet, so it really needs to be kept tidy. I'll sort through all of the sheets, and label shelves, so it's clear what is what on each shelf. This would also be a good time to see what I can put aside for kids setting up their own housekeeping. I don't need to keep those items in the linen closet, but could bag them up for the cedar chest.

An overwhelming situation in our house is closets, pantries and cupboards which need a good straightening. The cooler days of winter are a great time for me to tackle these, and I have little desire to be outdoors.

Yet, this is also a good time to get myself outdoors, as weeds are at a minimum. Plus, if I transplant plants now, they'll do well this spring. And plants like rose bushes and fruit trees need to be pruned this time of year. So, I will have to make myself get out there, despite the chill. I think there's a hot cup of cocoa waiting for me, when I come back inside as my reward. that's another thing February is good for -- sipping hot cocoa. I'll take mine with a marshmallow, please!

What's on your plan for this month?