And how did you arrive at an amount?
Our financial arrangements with our kids and how we came up with the amount
I have mixed feelings about charging my adult kids rent. On the one hand, I want to offer a free place for them because I love them. On the other hand, this is real life, and my daughters need to learn that real life has costs. We ultimately did choose to charge our adult kids. But mostly the "rent" charged reflects some of the real costs of their addition to our household.
Each adult daughter pays:
- one-quarter share of utilities: heat, electricity, water/sewer, internet, garbage pickup
- one-quarter share of groceries, except the beef I buy from a rancher, but including the cleaning, laundry, and paper supplies
- the increase (not a quarter share, just the increase) in our car insurance having them as drivers of our singular car
If my daughters earned higher salaries, I might charge more. However, I would put the majority of that into a savings account for them, so they would have a little kitty of money to start themselves in their own places someday.
Alternatively, I might request they set aside a certain portion of their incomes for their own future. This is what we did with our son. He made a healthy salary just out of university. We allowed him to live at home while he saved a sizable chunk of money to put down on a house. We live in an area with very high home costs compared to the average income. Allowing him this extra time to set aside money for a house meant that he and his wife were in a good position to buy when interest rates dropped to historic lows.
I will add, when my adult kids were students and living at home, they lived here rent-free. However, they were expected to work in summers to help fund their tuition and fun things for themselves. It wasn't until they were out of university and working year round that we began discussions about charging rent.
What have you decided to do regarding charging rent for your adult kids living at home?
This is a huge topic and one that can really be controversial so I ask for grace as your read my responses.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone goes to college and that's fine but my kids all showed interest in education beyond high school and that's fine too. We chose a Christian college and strongly recommended that to our children even though the cost was ridiculously high the morals and values were what we desired for our kids. We sacrificed and lived paycheck to paycheck while the two of us worked full time just to pay for education. Please don't criticize. Along with that came debt to our children and they knew it going forward.
Each child graduated from college and the deal was that they could live at home for one year for free while aggresively paying off their student loans with the idea of paying that off in one year. After that, we would think about charging rent. We never really got to that because oldest daughter paid off loans in one year but was very uphappy in the school she was teaching so she left for overseas for 6 years at a very low salary. She came home during covid and taught 1.5 years from home earning the same low salary so we allowed her to live rent free. She also attended grad school remotedly during year three and four overseas which was paid for by her school with the understanding she would stay two years after earning her degree, which she did. Second child (son) again lived home for a year and aggresivly paid off his loan but only worked in his field through a temp agency while working as a sales clerk in retail until he received a permanent offer in his field with a decent salary. Rent free because of low wages. Then he bought his own home. Child #3 never lived at home after college because she immediately went to grad school and then got married. As a wedding gift we paid her student loan for the new couple.
Sacrifice is a big word in our family but so is honoring and respecting the debt that was needed in order to get that education that they all wanted. I wouldn't change a thing. God gave us these 3 children to care for and we followed the hints they gave us and decisions were made for their higher education. If one showed signs of not wanting college we would have allowed that but maybe suggested a trade of some sort. Guiding kids in a productive direction would be the main goal.
Alice
My daughter is headed to Calvin this fall ..... so you have me wondering, Calvin or Hope? :)
DeleteCalvin! All three kids graduated and so did the parents and our son-in-law! Congrats on a good choice!
DeleteThanks for answering--I figured it was one of the two schools. My daughter narrowed her choice quickly down to the two of them but it took her awhile to make the final decision. I think it will be a great fit for her.
DeleteHi Alice,
DeleteYou're right. There is no right or wrong answer here. Every family will have a different view on whether or not to ask for rent, or whether college is appropriate for their kids, as well as how college would be financed. Thank you for sharing what you and your husband chose to do.
Both of our sons lived with us for a while after school because they didn't earn enough salary to get a place of their own. (One graduated when there was high unemployment and the other tried a trade that took a lot to get started.) Both of them paid rent. We thought that was just part of being an adult. However, we didn't charge them the going rate. They say that housing should be about 1/4 of your salary, so that's what we charged them. For a while, one son didn't have any money coming in, so his rent was cooking dinner every night. We loved that! When they got decent jobs, we gave them three months to find a new place. Of course, we wouldn't have kicked them out, but they did find new places before the deadline. BTW, we have put the rent into a savings account and will offer it to them when they need a new car. Their cars are 17 and 16 years old. However, they don't know that. We want them to figure things out for themselves. It will be a surprise gift.
ReplyDeleteAs has been said, this is a subject that is handled a lot of different ways. And there is no one size fits all. We just did what we thought was best for our family.
Hi Live and Learn,
DeleteI think using a job for the family, like daily cooking, was a great way for your son to contribute not just to the household, but also financially, as you may have chosen to eat out more often without your son cooking for you all. And he learned a valuable skill he can now use while on his own.
I don't know if I mentioned here by my son who is 27 is bipolar and he still can't take care of himself financially. We still help him with that. 3 daughters who are all married and are doing well. Never charged any rent or any money.
ReplyDeleteHi Cheryl,
DeleteJust as every family has a different view on this topic, each child has different needs. I think you made the right choices for your family.
We have never charged the kids rent, but they’ve never been here that long. Oldest dd did live here for a year or two after breaking up with her bf and moving back to Montana. She lived here while she paid off debt, and then she bought a house of her own. Dh wanted to charge her but I quickly vetoed that and he didn’t argue. Other dd has been back here twice, while in limbo waiting for her houses she was buying to close. Oldest Ds has never been back. Youngest hasn’t come back, but he did live here a year past graduation, saving to buy a house. If the situations were different we might charge them rent, but not under the circumstances we had.
ReplyDeleteDiane
Hi Diane,
DeleteAlthough I said we do charge for utilities, food, etc, there have been times with all 3 of our kids when we suspended these charges (times when they didn't have any or very little money coming in). If one of my daughters wanted to earnestly save to buy a condo or house, we would be comfortable allowing them to just put all of their money into savings and live here without financial contributions.
Thank you for sharing what you and your family did with regards to charging rent.
My adult children never lived with us again beyond college, but my husband and I would have been happy to have helped out if had come to that, likely coming up with some sort of reasonable financial agreement. As it is both kids now live in the Portland OR metro area (having grown up here in the Midwest) so I know exactly what you mean in regards to how high the cost of housing is in the Pacific Northwest. Both my kids' rents keep going up and up, but actually purchasing a home at the current prices feels completely out of reach at this point, despite them and their partners being gainfully employed. Such a quandary.
ReplyDeleteHi,
DeleteOh yes, housing is soooo expensive in the PNW. I know it's high in other parts of the country, too. Salaries/wages just aren't keeping pace with the cost of housing. I don't know what the answer is. At current housing costs, I don't see any way my daughters will ever be able to buy a place.
I am reading this with great interest, as I'm at an earlier stage with my kids. My son will be starting his senior year of college this fall, and my daughter will be a freshman (at a different college). I fully agree with Alice that this is an individual decision for each family and there is no one right or wrong answer. I have been surprised to find that I have shifted perspective on college tuition and room & board--my husband and I both have younger coworkers who are working crazy hours and who have limited life choices because of paying of student debt. My husband was the one who said that he didn't want that for our kids, so we are paying for their undergrad tuition and housing. Initially I had thought that we would be requiring them to help out more financially with those costs. That being said, both of them have applied themselves well academically and have been the recipients of scholarships/grants, which has substantially reduced the cost. Both are good money managers, and they pay for their own books/fun. My son has been assuming more costs in the past year or so. Something we have done which is considered unusual (at least in our area) is that we haven't given our kids cars while they were in high school or starting college. We help with that when a car becomes a need rather than a want, and that has helped make campus living more affordable.
ReplyDeleteI'm not exactly sure where we would land with charging our own kids rent--we definitely wouldn't do it if they chose to live at home while pursuing their master's degree, but after that, we would take it on a case-by-case situation. I think all of you have brought up good points and I appreciate you all sharing your acquired wisdom. I kinda like the idea of charging them something and then saving it and presenting it to them at a later time (without letting them know). The costs of things are very different from when I was that age, and I'm not sure that the same logic that my parents used works in today's world. Thanks for bringing this topic up, Lili.
for you Kris, we didn't buy kids cars during high school but neither did they. I bought a small car when I started back to work FT in 2003 but then the kids needed to drive it once in a while and then they took it to college and shared with the 3 of them while at college. It served us until 2019 which was much longer than expected. We hoped it would last through high school, and then we hoped it would last through college and then through grad school! I look at that car as a great blessing to our family. Yeah, we bought the girls each a car when they needed it and helped our son with a good down payment for his house. We learned to sacrifice which means saving a lot to get tuition paid and now we know how to do it so buying a few things for our kids ended up being easy.
DeleteWe get a lot of raised eyebrows because we haven't purchased a car for our kids. My son made noises about wanting to buy a car after his freshman year, until he started calculating the cost (we told him he could purchase what he wanted to but since it wasn't a need, he would be responsible for all the costs) and quickly changed his mind. Once he started doing internships and needed to drive to them, we loaned him my car and I got another one (he's in the Soo, so not exactly local!). Like we've all been saying, everyone's situation is different and there is no one right or wrong answer, but this has worked for us. It sounds like you did what worked for you, and your communal car lasted miraculously long!
DeleteHi Kris,
DeleteI feel like my family went against the grain with regards to university, buying cars, buying cell phones for our kids. We did expect them to work hard for scholarships for college. We never bought them cars. We didn't buy cell phones or their own laptops until college. And we expected they would live at home and commute for classes. This was the only way we could afford college for all 3 of them, and not incurring any student loans. Of course, both sides of the family's grandparents helped with tuition. And that was really appreciated. My husband and I did without for many years so we could save enough. It wasn't easy, but we don't regret it.
But as has been said, each family has different needs and circumstances. There is no right or wrong answer.
I wouldn't ask for rent, this is their home not a rental. However, I would ask to contribute as family member like the rest of us. If someone is not working/ earning, they can do that by helping in other ways. It's important to teach the kids that they need to take care of their parents like they cared for them when they were little. In my book, family means your spouse, kids, parents, in laws and siblings.
ReplyDeleteHi,
DeleteI do appreciate your sentiment, that this is their home. Perhaps that's why we've not chosen to charge rent for space, but their share of utilities and other consumables. They would be paying those expenses if they were on their own.
I also like your comment that we hope they will be here in some manner to care for us as we age, as well as for each other as siblings, should one sib need more care than the others. Your approach sounds thoughtful and caring.